Life Floats On

Nothin’ like a beautiful summer day in San Diego!
These were taken on August 10th, Grant and Rocket’s birthday.
I started to write a post today about Veteran Vs. Freshman. A piece on which is better? Using models who are recognized through other work in the industry or fresh faces who have never been seen on camera before. I kind of got stuck on it so I put it away for a while. I was looking for photos to go along with the post when I ran into these from the other day.
I’m going to head on over to the camera store and look at some new SLR’s. Dink agreed to getting me a camera so I can do the photo shoots related to our internet stuff. It has gotten so difficult to find a good, reliable photographer who understands everything we need – then someone who is technical enough to execute it all. The last couple of photo shoots I have done with me working behind the camera, I’ve had to work so hard I was sweating profusely. After that, I realized I should just take the damn pictures myself if I’m having to do so much work anyway. Trouble is, who is going to take my pictures?
It used to be Grant. We used to do some great work together. I don’t let him shoot me anymore. I don’t mind that he isn’t very technical, but it seems like anything we do together anymore we just don’t agree when we’re doing it. We’re both text book type A personalities. We direct and lead and we both have strong opinions that are never the same. Neither one of us are wrong or right, we just do things so differently and insist on doing them our own ways.
I’ve had to withhold writing about a lot of what goes on between Grant and I. I’ve mentioned to people close to me that sometimes, because I’ve had to withhold my feelings and observations, that much of the deeper thoughts and feelings that were once a part of this blog have all but receded.
I just want to be happy and creative and I want things to flow freely from me without any obstructions. I want to feel empowered and confident and I want to know that I can always move forward no matter what.

The truth is, with the way things are going . . . I may not always be here. Grant and I don’t have a formal agreement in writing. We didn’t originally obtain one because we weren’t making money or producing; there didn’t seem to be a reason to spend money we didn’t have on a contract. Things have changed a lot in the last 6 months. Anyway, what good are contracts when it takes money, an attorney and a lawsuit to enforce them? It’s best to have your agreement but more importantly: know that you can rely and trust upon the ones you are in business with. Even if things change a little.
This website is in Grant’s name. It’s nothing without me here, but if things go terribly south between the two of us, then I know for a fact that I will not be allowed to just move on with everything I have worked for here; intact. I’m not pointing fingers, and I’m not saying that I’m going anywhere . . . but one day if I don’t come back to the blog at least you know something. It will likely be due to the fact that we were unable to set aside the differences and work together in a successful business without stepping on each other.
I’m moving out of the home we live in. I’ve been apartment hunting in San Diego. Grant is really worried about letting me go and he does not want it. But I know that if I get some independence and spend less time here, we will get along better. I know it will take some of the strain off of us. Even if he doesn’t want to admit it, getting some space will save our relationship.
Besides, this is what I need to make me feel like the adult I am. I need to know I can take care of myself in the conventional way.

Life and relationships are funny in the way that they don’t always remain the same. Sometimes people change so much that relationships become harder to maintain. Lovers, friends and even family need to grow and evolve together or they may find themselves feeling the need to pull apart. If you don’t allow these things to happen and move with the tide a little, you’ll find yourself constantly struggling as you swim against the current. That is tiresome. You find yourself held back. When you feel you’re being stunted you become distressed, frustrated and sometimes you become a little bitter about those who are holding you back in life. Alanis Morsette said it best when she sang:
I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you’re gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn
You never know, maybe things will get easier. I just know they can’t continue as they are. I do very much love Grant, and we are still very much a unit. We are family. He is a loved one of mine, but I am finding that as things stay stuck as they were, it becomes harder and harder for me to feel the same way.
Photos by Grant Roy
Your Friend and Lover,
Brent

































































